Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”