“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
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Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
become ungovernable
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.