I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
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Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
seems like a niche market
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
*pronounces patio like ratio
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …