Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
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I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?