Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
You Might Also Like
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
Follow me for more life hacks.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.