Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
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the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
seems like a niche market
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”