@CantWaitToNap

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

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@ClearlyUnwell

I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.

@DillDoes

“How’s your sexual history?”
Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be “deletable”

@psybermonkey

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

@WhatevaConc

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

@IchBin_Rob

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

@underrateDad

“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…

@mountain_ghosts

1995: the information superhighway will mean anyone can do anything from anywhere
2015: must be willing to relocate to San Francisco

@Eden_Eats

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.