I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
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“How’s your sexual history?”
Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be “deletable”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
Genie is now following you.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…
1995: the information superhighway will mean anyone can do anything from anywhere
2015: must be willing to relocate to San Francisco
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.