Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
You Might Also Like
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
#inspiration #foodforthought
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.