Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.