Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
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My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me