Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole