Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.