Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
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Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
If you’re looking for another bad decision, I’m here.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in