Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
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Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder