Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiting for halloween be like:

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.