Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

I don’t know what to do

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

🖕🏻👽