Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
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Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Xylophonist Shredding It
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
OH. COME. ON.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people