@BadaBinge

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

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@ImABaconDonut

One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours.

About the same as a common Monday on Earth.

@Vodkantots

Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?

@DrakeGatsby

Very envious of the people who are out enjoying wilderness. It looks rad but I do not know anything about nature. I didn’t realize deer were real until like a year ago. I thought they were made up for Bambi.

@fro_vo

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

@ericsshadow

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@NicestHippo

“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex

@caithuls

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”