@BadaBinge

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

You Might Also Like

@TheToddWilliams

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

@HenpeckedHal

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

@BobTheSuit

The self-checkout screen says “Finish and pay.” I feel like I’m with an irritable hooker.

@SaltyCorpse

The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don’t accidentally burn their eyes.

I went to school with asbestos…

@TheBoydP

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

@Epygma

[Dads birthday]
“Make a wish Dad”
*Dad blows out candles
*Looks around
*Looks @ wife
Where did our son go?
-What son?
*Dad cries with joy

@atragedyoflove

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.