Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
You Might Also Like
Dear Lord..
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
lol
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
sigh
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.