One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours.
About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?
Very envious of the people who are out enjoying wilderness. It looks rad but I do not know anything about nature. I didn’t realize deer were real until like a year ago. I thought they were made up for Bambi.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Dating is a lot like hiking.
Don’t take the psycho-path.