Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Cinema or bowling

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.