Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
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my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
This pepper has seen some shit
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.