Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

For the baby who has everything

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!