Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

Good Morning.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”