Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
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Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.