Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
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Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
fired
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out