thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?