thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
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young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
shazam but for random noises outside
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud