thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
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HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.