Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

At least he brought enough for everyone

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?