“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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the composer
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one