“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL