@iwearaonesie

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

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@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

@daemonic3

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

@Fickle_Filly

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

@clichedout

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

@sixthformpoet

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

@AntozWolf

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

@cbdoubleu

“Are you seeing anyone?”

Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.

Floaty thing: We’re just friends.

@angibangie

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line