Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.
And you’ve got two faces.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Me: Why do you love me?
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
“Are you seeing anyone?”
Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.
Floaty thing: We’re just friends.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line