“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY