“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
