Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister