Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

good morning

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.