Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
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Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do