Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
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I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often