Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
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i dont have time for this
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Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.