Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

Damn what did I do next

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.