Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

My beach vacation Google searches

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

#dnd #ttrpg

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

{First Day at FedEx}

me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away

manager: wow you’re a natural

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words