Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.