Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

Lmfao

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

The fall of Netflix

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

is this how new cars are made??

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.