Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
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MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
😂🤣😂🤣
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.