Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
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And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.