Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
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How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.