Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no