Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
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My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
“What movie?” 🤔
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
Got ya covered
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????