Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

🎉🥳