Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators