Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
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[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.