Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
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I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]