Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
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A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?