Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
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Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
