Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.