Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
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*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please