Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
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Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Why is everyone getting married at me
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad