thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
You Might Also Like
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.