Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago