thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
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If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.