Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Good boy 😂😂

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Okay, I’m still confused…

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.