Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
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The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE