Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
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Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Lmfaoooooo
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?