Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
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My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
The USS B port
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
me hitting on a model
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
A family that plays together cheats.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT