Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
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Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
When your diet is finally over.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff