Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate