“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
The first one, obviously
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters