Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.