Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

Only short people can save us

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one