Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
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“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
