Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.