Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

“Theirye’re” problem solved

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …