Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?