@noog

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

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@ohheyohhihello

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

@joejwest

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

@PhilJamesson

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

@junejuly12

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

@Marcmywords2

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

@peb671

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

@LittleMissAngr1

I always cancel my uber if they assign me a van. I’m not ready to order my own murder.

@amishschool

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY