Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
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Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count