Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
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ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Realtor: It’s cozy
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I always cancel my uber if they assign me a van. I’m not ready to order my own murder.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY